Trying to find the words

It’s been a year and 2 weeks since I’ve tried to write anything on my blog and over 2 years since I actually published something. I tried to express my feelings on the day my dad passed away, but not only did I struggle to write anything, I couldn’t even save it properly.

I realized that I wasn’t going to get it done and kept telling myself that I would get to it. Sigh. Not so much. I’ve had a whole year to edit the thoughts in my head, but that doesn’t guarantee they will make sense as they are still changing.

I never got to say good bye to my dad.

Sure, he was back in the hospital when we were leaving on vacation, but he had been in there so much in the previous 9 months that it was old hat. He looked sick and had since he was admitted in October of 2012. I remember the first time I went to visit him after he was first admitted and the way he looked it hurt me physically to look at him. I thought he looked like a holocaust survivor. I was wrong of course as he looked more so at the end. We planned to bring Adam in so he could tell dad all about his adventure in China with his aunt.

When I got the message from my mom that he wasn’t doing so good I debated on coming straight home but I guess I never really believed he was as bad as he was. I missed the phone call from the hospital and they never left a message. By the time I decided to cut our vacation short and go home it was getting pretty late so I decided we would early in the morning to go home from Lethbridge.

We got to the hospital 20 minutes after dad had died. I was so torn up that I never made it back in time then I learned he had been in pain and was heavily medicated so I was thankful that I never saw that. I saw him weak and frustrated but never in pain.

It was hard enough watching dad get weaker and weaker and be able to do less and less for himself. My mom had to help him with everything. I did what I could to help but I really didn’t do very much for him. I know that even if I did more for him it wouldn’t of mattered, but still.

 

Dad hadn’t planned on attending his granddaughter’s wedding as he couldn’t even walk by himself anymore but changed is mind and we all went up together. I remember his sitting in his wheelchair watching the dancing and not looking too happy and I said “Smile, it’s a wedding.” He nodded and gave me a half grin. I believe he knew the end was near and that’s why he changed his mind. He lived to see his granddaughter get married and I think that was his goal. He died less than a month after attending the wedding.

Rest in peace dad. I miss you.

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